I hope everyone's had a good CNY.

Me on the other hand, had a miserable one...apart from Tuesday. I've never noticed myself to be this sensitive during the mood swings but...apparently I am. I was seriously close to tears many times, even with things like my dad telling me to stop practicing guitar as we need to go down for dinner, or my sister ignoring me when I asked her if she wants to go out with my cousins and I...it was quite terrible. It was the first time I walked off on my own while everyone was waiting for a seat in the hawker centre. I couldn't stand there, I swear I'd just start a fist fight with someone. Or verbal abuse. Sometimes, the emotions get so overwhelming, I just lose control. It's frightening. It's as though I'm on drugs and I can't control myself at all. Technically...that's true, I am on 'drugs'. Don't ask me. I don't want to discuss it. After the feeling of anger and annoy at every little thing (even if you happen to be staring at me, or walking/ wearing/ eating wrongly or not replying my sms or call) comes the feeling of regret and remorse and...

Nostalgia.

GAH. I hate that feeling. I don't want to look behind me, at my past. I just want to move on, get over, just...live my damn life. Life is short, I really don't want to make it shorter. Though when I was discussing this with my cousins, we all agreed that we'd rather die than live forever.

On my tombstone: Here lies a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife, a child of God. Finally, peace at last.

Seriously.

Maybe I'm just so tired of everything. I was never convinced of this calling, but what can I do? I've ran from it for too long. I think, once I get out of this, I'm never going to go back. It's the same everywhere- church versus company. Dangerous thoughts keep hovering in my mind, they could be from me. They could be from the devil. I don't know, I don't want to sort them out, or dig deeper into them. What if I drown in them? Things will get disgraceful.

...'She has a lovely face,
God in His mercy lend her grace
The Lady of Shalott.'
- The Lady of Shalott by Lord Alfred Tennyson

Such a beautiful poem The Lady of Shalott is.